Many of you might wonder why I have to leave the institution at which I worked. When confronted with this question, I have told you some truth, but not all of it, and as a result I have probably made myself to look like a martyr and caused the leadership of the school to be harsh and bent on doing evil, but the leadership here at the school has actually been very patient with me and has tried to work with me on a few issues, including some that I have brought up.
I believe it is past time to confess that I have greatly wronged the institution at which I worked. The Lord has convicted my heart, and I am guilty of evil speaking (especially against the president and my supervisor), compromise, speaking against the leadership and the government of the school, and a vengeful spirit similar to the devil to his rebellion in heaven and his vengeful spirit when he was cast out of heaven. I am grateful to the Lord for convicting me of this, and wish that I had been more honest before. I hope that it is not too late for me. I have held on to my secrets and sins for too long. Please pray for me.
Here are my confessions:
- While it is true that I wanted to work for the Lord, coming to The institution at which I worked was an act of desperation—desperate to work where I could keep Sabbath and be in a Christian environment, and desperate for my needs to be provided in a more stable way (The Lord was providing for me, and I should have been more patient with him.).
- Before coming here, I knew of some of the duties and my conscience was already bothered, but I tried to suppress my conscience and reason away my convictions and compromised in order to come here. I never should have done this.
- I was also boastful and prideful and over-confident about my skills, possibly my experience, and my abilities and knowledge. Even when I lacked the confidence, I pretended that I had confidence. I was easily hurt when corrected, warned, and rebuked, impatient when people tried to explain things to me, tried to do too much myself, and turned out to be under-qualified. I was also under-experienced.
- I am guilty of evil speaking against the president, my supervisor, some of you students (including those who are not here this semester and those who did not make it through last semester), against God, against my faith, and against many others here.
- I have been selfish and manipulative, even to the extent of…
- Complaining about the work, especially the extra work, and acting as though I was over-worked when I really wasn’t working hard enough or as diligently as I should have been, and when my supervisor actually tried not to work me past my eight hours, and even let me out early a few times.
- I have gotten out of work early, taken early breaks, and began work late many times. Some of these I have reported, but not all.
- I have tried to get my students to work hard (especially on Fridays, but on other days, too) to get everything done so that I, too, could get out early. There were days when I should have let them out early (at least I thought I should have) for working hard and diligently, but continued to find things for them to do, and days when I said I would let them out early, but did not.
- I have not been as considerate of the safety, feelings, or health of the students as I should have been, and had them do things that I was uncomfortable with doing myself (such as climbing a high ladder).
- I have put down, aggravated, shamed, and verbally harassed students (which is against the policy) even in front of their peers, trying to get them to cooperate, work harder, and be more respectful. I have threatened them with consequences, such as reporting them to our president, trying to get them to cooperate and respect me using fear. I dragged the president and other staff into the conflict, to cover my own insufficiencies.
- There were days when I really was sick, and should not have been at work, and there were also days when I was not feeling well and was recovering and yet still could have worked, but chose to take the time off anyway (and the time was given to me). While it was probably better for my health that I had rested, I was not self-sacrificing and should not have made the situation out to be worse than it was, and should have gone to work. But maybe it was better that I did not, and that I got the needed rest and finished recovering (I probably did need the rest, but I did feel that I was being selfish, and there may have been a few times when not recovering from sickness that I used tiredness as an excuse). I know that many others work harder than I have worked, even working when sick and when they shouldn’t be working (because they are that sick, it seems to me anyway), and maybe I should have made that sacrifice, too, but maybe I should not have, because I sincerely believe the Lord does not desire us to work ourselves to death, and that not only are we in trouble if we do, but so are the institutions and people who cause us to do so. But there may have been times when it was not harmful for me to work (and it might have done me good), and yet when I rested anyway.
- In other words, I have not worked as diligently or as faithfully as I should have. There were many days when I was slow, lazy, and did not finish things that I could have gotten finished if I had put my heart and muscles into the work.
- I have pointed out the flaws and sins of others, both staff, students, and guests: disrespect, lack of courtesy, selfishness, compromise, not caring enough for their bodies, working themselves too hard, laziness, procrastination, unkindness, harshness, critical, etc, and compared them with people who I accused of discouraging me to the point of almost leaving the church, when I know fairly well that I make my own choices concerning my faith, that God is better than His people, and that I am also guilty of most (if not all) of those flaws. I have judged others harshly, and do not deserve mercy, either. The question is not of whether I was right or wrong, but I even tried to judge motives. I did not keep these thoughts private, either, and said many discouraging and evil things to others, including people at the institution at which I worked, friends outside of the institution at which I worked, family, and I have even complained to potential employers and in my public communications online (though in the case of my online journal, I have taken the journal down, and in the case of the journal and videos and other public communications, I did not tell where I worked. However, for the most part I tried to keep my public facebook complaints. I tried to keep my complaints on facebook private to individuals and not posting in my news feed, though a few complaints, such as being tired and being sick had slipped. If there were others, I do not remember exactly.
- I have been indiscreet and crude, spoken evil and have not been lady like nor a good example to the students. I have also given candy and chocolate and junk food to the students, compromised in diet and dress against my convictions and beliefs in what is right, am guilty of joking, have spoken my own words on Sabbath, and have set a bad example for the students and even staff in other ways. And, I am guilty of breaking Sabbath. In all my compromises, I have dishonored God, done damage to myself, and set a bad example for the students and staff.
- I have also compromised by participating in events that I felt convicted against, including sports and late-night suppers (banquets). I should never have made any of these compromises, and set a bad example, set a bad mark on my character, and dishonored God. In these and other ways, I have been a hypocrite.
- I have thrown a few tantrums and been hateful and angry and vengeful against people who got in my way, gave me more work to do when I was ready and hoping to check out soon, corrected me, etc. I should have been more hospitable and kind and considerate of others, but I have not done to others in this (or in other ways) the way I would have had them do unto me. I have also caused others to be at work or up late. I was easily offended and slow to forgive, but now I forgive, by God’s grace, all that has been done to me. Please forgive me for retaliating and throwing fits and speaking evil against you and against God.
- Did I mention that I tried to use fear and rewards (bribes of junk food and longer breaks or early releases) to get the students to cooperate? I also gave good grades to students who were disrespectful and who did not work as hard as I thought they should, when I should have given them a more honest grade. I have also discussed my problems (between me and students and even staff) with others when I should have kept them between us until it was necessary to get others involved, but I was cowardly and did not do as I should have.
- I loved the institution at which I worked when I first arrived, but it didn’t take long to grow bitter, unappreciative, lazy, hateful, and vengeful. I cannot excuse compromises or the evil that is taking place on this campus, but I should have discussed it directly with the people involved first, and followed the principles that Christ laid out (one-on-one first, then a witness or two or three, then the church, etc) instead of stirring up strife amongst the workers. I tried not to leave the students out of this last part, but if I have gotten any involved, I am sorry for that also.
- I have hurt in some way every student (that I know of) who has left here, and believe I am even responsible for some of the things that caused the students to leave, from the first of last semester to the last of last semester and even at least one who did not return this year. I believe there were two who were especially hurt badly emotionally by me for some of the reasons listed in the list above. Please forgive me. I believe that I am not the only one responsible for hurting the students who have left, but I will confess my guilt and selfishness. I should have loved more, encouraged more, criticized less, not compromised, but should have been more gentle and helpful. I wish I could set things to right with each student hurt. I have failed as a supervisor (though I believe that I have improved, by God’s grace).
- I have been dishonest and tried to hide many of my character flaws and problems. When I threw a tantrum or a fit or spoke evil, I would ask the witnesses not to repeat it, but now I confess that I have done those things. I have been acting from the wrong motives—fear of consequences, fear of losing the job, but I realize that I had to let go and just face those consequences, and that it will be better for me and for the institution at which I worked.
- I should not have compromised in order to keep my job. This includes compromises mentioned above, and also serving food that I know to be unhealthy, and even eating it myself.
- I have worked students through their break to cover for my own deficiencies. Please forgive me of my poor management.
- I thought it was my job to teach responsibility, respect, good work ethic and skills, etc, but even if it was (and perhaps it was), I did not go about it the right way, nor did I set a good example.
- I have also complained about the environment, and caused doubt in others as to whether it is safe for them to be here, too. And when trying to recruit friends to come to the institution at which I worked, I discussed some of the problems with my friends, to warn them ahead of time of what they might face if they come. I do not regret this, because I do not want my friends to face what I had to face, but please forgive me for speaking evil against you, the institution at which I worked. I should not have tried to recruit at all, instead of recruiting doubtfully and discouragingly.
No, I was not a good worker, nor was I sweet or kind. I was motivated by fear, and by anger, by love sometimes, but not enough. I am thankful for the opportunity to work here, and appreciate how much you have tried to work with me, and how much you have put up with me. I believe that the Lord has been at work on my heart, and that I have learned from my mistakes and from others, and from Christ, and have grown here, by His grace. I am sorry for all the wrong I have done to you, and for anything else that I have failed to mention.
I was not thrown out of here. I was allowed to stay, until I became overwhelmed. It was my own choice to leave, though part of me wanted to stay. I prayed about it and put it in God’s hands, and was relieved when it was suggested to me that I leave. It is better for me not to be here, after all the damage that I have done.
If I have hurt you in any way, please come to me while there is still time and tell me my faults and sins against you. I have not confessed specific names aside from the few, but there are more. Please come to me even if I do not come to you. I want to set things to right, if possible, or at least to make reconciliation.
Please forgive me of all my sins against you, dear staff, students, and visitors of the institution at which I worked, and also family, friends, and others who are reading this, please forgive me.
Another note: It is also because of my sins that I had to leave home, though also because God called me. And God has worked it out for good.
Today’s verse of the day that arrived in my e-mail is this:
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9, KJV Praise God.